Tired

I was tired today.

I’m not happy with the state of my health. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot I can do about it. The cardiomyopathy will limit my wellbeing and the fatigue will be something I will have to deal with.

My doctor today said that I’m probably stressed and am I feeling down. No, I’m not. I’ve got a history with anxiety and depression and have been on medication for it for over fifteen years. I like to think that I’m pretty self aware in that regard. Since I’ve gotten over a dreadful couple of months of colds and never ending flus I’ve actually been pretty productive and positve.

To be honest, I’m a little bit over depression or stress being the first cause that anyone thinks of.

But there’s the rub, as soon as it’s mentioned, the innately anxious and self critical part of me starts prodding in my mind. “Hey yeah, maybe you are a hypochondriac. No one gets as tired as you, you don’t even do that much.”

My doctor tried to reassure me today by saying “You shouldn’t worry because your heart’s not that bad.” I know it’s not that bad, when compared to people requiring heart transplants, but to me it’s a concern. Not an overwhelming one. I know that I don’t think I have a greater chance of dropping dead today just because I have a diagnosis. Mortality is still something I ponder probably more than I should. Hey, I’m a thinker, I think about a lot of things more than I should. I don’t think I’m more stressed since the diagnosis.

I feel happier than ever.

My body now just gets tired. I need to rest.

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